Randomness for the month of Feb

This is going to be random. I just need to vent. I need to let a lot things that have been weighing on my mind.

I found myself within the past few months.. I know who I am and who I am becoming - yet why do I feel like I am losing myself all over again at the same time. All I want to be is perfect in my eyes but no matter how hard I try I cant please myself. I want to lose weight but the only way I know how to do that is to literally starve myself or just not think about eating. I want to work out or go on runs, hopefully after I move, I have more motivation to become a better me and be happy in my eyes. I have this horrible image of me that was built up from my family at a young age. I was mentally abused and sometimes that continues now. I love my parents house, but sometimes Id rather not be there because it forces me to pretend to be somebody I am not and I absolutely hate that fake shit. I am at an age in my life where I just want to live life for me and fuck anyone who thinks that I should be any other way that makes me untrue to myself. I love my girlfriend dearly and everyday ... I mean EVERYDAY ... She reminds me that I am gorgeous. It helps me tremendously and I don't she realizes it. It makes everyday go by so much smoother. Enough about me.

Can we just take a minute to appreciate how much I am in love with this woman? She is perfection that I cannot even put in words.. its crazy. I have a lot of insecurities that she has not seen yet, but for the most part I don't worry. I worry about her well being and that's all. The long distance is a killer but we are so strong together and so willing to make this last forever... That it scares the living hell out of me. My heart breaks a little with the thought of losing her... Not that it is gonna happen... Shes pretty much stuck with me now. I have NEVER had anyone who truly cares about me like she does. I have so many people take advantage of my kindness and do me all sorts of different ways (meaning they play me, cheat on me or just take me for my money) and she doesn't. I don't see this from her at all. People in the past fell in love with me but they didn't really understand the person that I am. They saw what I wanted them to see. However with her, I can truly be myself. The person that I am and the person that I am becoming and she is accepting of the person I was. We all have a bad past.. but it all molds us to become who we are now. She is so supportive of anything that I do or choose to do. I can truly say that I am not worried about anything with her. She stole my heart 3 years ago and being able to be with her like this reminded me of why I fell for her back then... I am falling harder for her everyday.. as much as I try I cant stop it. She is so ambitious and driven - she has such a good head on her shoulders. She lets nothing stop her or get in her way and I abso-fucking-lutely adore that about her. All the things that her and I went through in the past- I hope that we never have to go through any of that again. I will always look out for her as I have been over the years. She is my  absolute happiness and she reminds me that I can do anything that I put my mind to. I only hope that I do the same for her. I really don't even stress that much anymore all thanks to her.I want to just say this one more time... SHE IS SO DAMN PERFECT - Shanice... do you hear me through my blog? I am literally screaming at you that YOU ARE SO FUCKING PERFECT IN MY EYES. I didnt think that everything that I wanted in a person would be found with her. To be honest, I never thought she was even remotely attracted to me or remembered me from those brief encounters at Starbucks in the evening. I am so glad things worked out the way they did. Otherwise we wouldnt be who we are today.

I planned that trip last December all because she said, if you ever come to Mississippi we can chill and that shes got me. I of course didn't want her to spend anything on me while there. I actually wanted to hang out and see if that spark was still there. She didn't know that.. I dont think she even knew I had this high school type crush on her lol. We had a blast, every time I'm with her we have a great time. Its always and adventure. I took that fucking chance to drive out there to hang out with her and I didn't regret. I also am super excited that I wasn't murdered lol. The biggest surprise was that she came up to Atlanta when I was there to spend time with me again. THEN- is when I really knew that I was falling in love with her -crazy thing is... we werent even together yet then. Every time I think about how this relationship started I get so happy I almost cry. I am so happy... I cant contain myself sometimes. If i dont hear from her for a while I start to miss her so much -like its ridiculous

.My next subject: Work
HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT. How many of us hate our jobs? I dont hate my job, but sometimes days get very trying. People nowadays feel so entitled and shit. Like excuse me.. WHO TF MADE YOU MY BOSS? You think you can do my job better than me - GO AHEAD! Swear people are so damn dense sometimes. Like I work here, I know what Im talking about. If I dont I will find out or ask someone who has been here longer than me. I mean the attitudes that customers have in general is not what is up. Can you tell me why you think that it is okay for you to treat me like a piece of shit? I am a human too and I am reasonable if you talk to me like you have some sense. geez! SHEESH!
BUT thats our living so we have to suck it up until we find something better lol.

Anywho you guys, I have to go. This is me signing off loves.
Until next time.

Remember: Chin up and arms out. Take life one day at a time. Everything will get better I Promise !!!
LOVE
~tbabes<3

Valentines Day

So valentines day just passed. Some of us are lucky and have a significant other but some of us do not. I feel like if you are a healthy relationship, everyday should seem like valentines day. You shouldnt go a second without telling that person you miss them or you love them... hell even a "Im thinking about you" type thing would be nice. If youre single, some of yall may feel secluded - totally don't be - share it with friends and all! love is just not between lovers. Its friends and family as well. So never feel sad about any silly nonsense or holidays that society has mad these days to be specifically for a certain group of people.

life is life.
Remember chin up and arms out!!!
Take life a day at a time.

YOU ARE LOVED!!!
~tbabes<3
 

This is real.. this feeling..

These last few days have been pretty hectic for me. There was absolutely not enough time in the day.. I was minimal on sleep.. I worked my ass off... I tried to give my friends advice and help as they needed. I didn't realize that I was not only stressing my mind, but stressing the fuck out of my body.

I have been trying sooooo extremely hard to keep myself busy so I wouldn't think about how much I missed my girlfriend and how imuch it sucked being away from her. From there my days just went to shit. I literally broke down crying for 2 to 3 days thinking about my grandmother that passed away over 20 years ago... I was never given the chance to grieve over her - then I came across a picture of her holding me as a baby and I bawled my eyes out. I couldn't shake the thought of her. I kept playing "What ifs" in my head.. What if she was still here? What if I was living with her? What if she doesn't approve of how I live my life? Will my grandmother still love me the same?

Right now... where my head is at... it isnt well. Ive fallen into this deep depression and no one has really noticed. Which is great... I dont expect them too. I feel like everyone is just using me for what they can. Im moving to a new area soon and I cant wait. I need a new start. I need new faces. I cant keep hanging around the same negative people. There was so much that happened in Chapter one of this year... that I just am not sure of life anymore.  Yes I am always positive about life and its outcome. However, I am also human... I have those days... As I always do, I come to this page and just vent. I cannot control these feelings as much as I try. I sit and cry... I feel like the world would be a better place without me. I just want to slit my wrist and feel the blood rush out of my body... however... Im not yet ready to die.. not yet. What is my purpose here? But for now I must go.... see you soon.

Remember: arms out and chin up. Things will get better.
This is me signing off loves.

~tbabes <3