These last few days have been pretty hectic for me. There was absolutely not enough time in the day.. I was minimal on sleep.. I worked my ass off... I tried to give my friends advice and help as they needed. I didn't realize that I was not only stressing my mind, but stressing the fuck out of my body.
I have been trying sooooo extremely hard to keep myself busy so I wouldn't think about how much I missed my girlfriend and how imuch it sucked being away from her. From there my days just went to shit. I literally broke down crying for 2 to 3 days thinking about my grandmother that passed away over 20 years ago... I was never given the chance to grieve over her - then I came across a picture of her holding me as a baby and I bawled my eyes out. I couldn't shake the thought of her. I kept playing "What ifs" in my head.. What if she was still here? What if I was living with her? What if she doesn't approve of how I live my life? Will my grandmother still love me the same?
Right now... where my head is at... it isnt well. Ive fallen into this deep depression and no one has really noticed. Which is great... I dont expect them too. I feel like everyone is just using me for what they can. Im moving to a new area soon and I cant wait. I need a new start. I need new faces. I cant keep hanging around the same negative people. There was so much that happened in Chapter one of this year... that I just am not sure of life anymore. Yes I am always positive about life and its outcome. However, I am also human... I have those days... As I always do, I come to this page and just vent. I cannot control these feelings as much as I try. I sit and cry... I feel like the world would be a better place without me. I just want to slit my wrist and feel the blood rush out of my body... however... Im not yet ready to die.. not yet. What is my purpose here? But for now I must go.... see you soon.
Remember: arms out and chin up. Things will get better.
This is me signing off loves.
~tbabes <3
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