Rant

I cant seem to put to words what I feel . I rarely get mad, I get upset because I fearful that Im going to lose you. Not to someone else, but lose you from the world. I worry as much as I do because I cant imagine my life without you. All your life you were a burden to someone. I AM NOT THEM. I want you next to me so in the future I can say we have been together for over 50 years or more even. Sometimes I feel like ending my life too you stupid little fuck. Do you even realize what goes through my mind? I dont need all the world I just need your love and comfort. Yes, we are happy together but because you are in love your depression doesnt go away. You should understand where I am coming from. I have been trying to be such a positive person for so long... I AM FUCKING TIRED OF IT. Why does everyone else get to bitch and complain and I am here trying to pick up pieces. All I want is the right to break down and someone tell me its okay. I dont want to be looked at like Im crazy because my mood has changed. It has, I have been bottling everything up so that everyone else can stay positive. One day all of that is going to explode? What do you think? I am naturally always happy? Im sorry to break your fucking heart, but Im not. Im also not perfect. I have never claimed to be. I just want to be someones perfect and sometimes I dont feel like I am. Not when I feel like this. I feel like this as often as ever. I always thought that being happy would make it go away and once again I was wrong. Here I sit almost 30 and I cant find a path for me. Everyone else is doing well with their life and here I am still struggling. I am no where I want to be except in love and sometimes I dont even think you love me as much as I love you. Im slowly drowning in my depression but no one can ever tell, but then again, no one calls to check up on me ever. I not even fucking invited to my best friends wedding. Everyone has just written me off. All I know is no fucking body better be all on my social media or funeral and say how close we were. BITCH FUCK YOU. I only have a few people that I actually talk and consider friends. Like wtf.