Saturday, March 9, 2019
Rant
I cant seem to put to words what I feel . I rarely get mad, I get upset because I fearful that Im going to lose you. Not to someone else, but lose you from the world. I worry as much as I do because I cant imagine my life without you. All your life you were a burden to someone. I AM NOT THEM. I want you next to me so in the future I can say we have been together for over 50 years or more even. Sometimes I feel like ending my life too you stupid little fuck. Do you even realize what goes through my mind? I dont need all the world I just need your love and comfort. Yes, we are happy together but because you are in love your depression doesnt go away. You should understand where I am coming from. I have been trying to be such a positive person for so long... I AM FUCKING TIRED OF IT. Why does everyone else get to bitch and complain and I am here trying to pick up pieces. All I want is the right to break down and someone tell me its okay. I dont want to be looked at like Im crazy because my mood has changed. It has, I have been bottling everything up so that everyone else can stay positive. One day all of that is going to explode? What do you think? I am naturally always happy? Im sorry to break your fucking heart, but Im not. Im also not perfect. I have never claimed to be. I just want to be someones perfect and sometimes I dont feel like I am. Not when I feel like this. I feel like this as often as ever. I always thought that being happy would make it go away and once again I was wrong. Here I sit almost 30 and I cant find a path for me. Everyone else is doing well with their life and here I am still struggling. I am no where I want to be except in love and sometimes I dont even think you love me as much as I love you. Im slowly drowning in my depression but no one can ever tell, but then again, no one calls to check up on me ever. I not even fucking invited to my best friends wedding. Everyone has just written me off. All I know is no fucking body better be all on my social media or funeral and say how close we were. BITCH FUCK YOU. I only have a few people that I actually talk and consider friends. Like wtf.
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People will come and go, fuck em they wasn’t meant to be there... some of us are meant to ride for ourselves and tbh I love it this way, but that doesn’t mean I can’t support or be a coach for others on their path; which I love and enjoy doing for others. I see what you mean tho, some of the strongest people with a hard outter shell really go through the most and you wouldn’t even know. Myself dealing with some strong women in my past I know how true that is man and That’s why I make sure I’m that support system behind closed doors as a partner. All I can say is find some better people, look for something different in those you eventually cling to... good people exist. You can say everyone has written you off, but in my life and experiences I would never write anyone off because I’ve seen amazing come backs and turn around and want people in my life to succeed. Don’t worry about the future worry about today and longevity in that relationship will come when you are at peace with the leaves falling from the tree. I’ve been called crazy many times in my damn life, it’s not my fault I love hard or am more emotional since I want things to work. So don’t worry about how old you are when true love comes to you, love doesn’t have an age where it stops. (My former Spanish teacher found love at age 50 and has been married 15 years)... enjoy life, be blessed.
ReplyDeleteI love this so much. I cant thank you enough for these words. I found myself feeling this way again and came to vent and write more. I did enjoy riding along, no joke. You get so comfortable on things just go and when things change, youre like wth. I never ever want a relationship to "get comfortable" then you get bored and get wandering eyes and look for excitement. Or so Ive experienced in my past. If Ive fallen in love again, theres no way Im going waste my time and effort if it isnt a two way street. I just feel like Im not doing enough but in my soul I know Im doing every damn thing. Again, thank you.
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