Do Great Things

So life....huh?

Sometimes things go great and sometimes it doesnt. Most days you want to fall apart and sometimes you have it together. It never goes to plan at least 98.99% of the time. You are normally lucky if it does. You have such a high expectation of how you want your life to be but what we dont generally know is how we are going to get there. I can personally say I am a good example. I had my life mapped out on paper. 

I was going to graduate and attend college then graduate and start my career then hopefully find the love of my life, get married and travel the world. Then after all the adventures we settle down.

Well, let me tell you, that did not happen. If I told you about my life, you wouldnt believe it. 

Theres not much I would change,

I always want you by my side, 

You said that you would always be there, 

youd be my ride or die. 

We didnt always have the best of times, 

but when we were good, we were great, 

you always tried to calm me down, 

and for that, i appreciate, 

you, you are the one I want to spend my life with, 

excuse me if questions run through my mind, 

because my trust is what you tore down,
you were the one I was meant to find,
without you I swear I would drown,
in this world that is so judgmental,
they worry about their looks and name brand,
but these people dont know what weve been through,
they worry about popping bottles and spending grands.

Rant

I cant seem to put to words what I feel . I rarely get mad, I get upset because I fearful that Im going to lose you. Not to someone else, but lose you from the world. I worry as much as I do because I cant imagine my life without you. All your life you were a burden to someone. I AM NOT THEM. I want you next to me so in the future I can say we have been together for over 50 years or more even. Sometimes I feel like ending my life too you stupid little fuck. Do you even realize what goes through my mind? I dont need all the world I just need your love and comfort. Yes, we are happy together but because you are in love your depression doesnt go away. You should understand where I am coming from. I have been trying to be such a positive person for so long... I AM FUCKING TIRED OF IT. Why does everyone else get to bitch and complain and I am here trying to pick up pieces. All I want is the right to break down and someone tell me its okay. I dont want to be looked at like Im crazy because my mood has changed. It has, I have been bottling everything up so that everyone else can stay positive. One day all of that is going to explode? What do you think? I am naturally always happy? Im sorry to break your fucking heart, but Im not. Im also not perfect. I have never claimed to be. I just want to be someones perfect and sometimes I dont feel like I am. Not when I feel like this. I feel like this as often as ever. I always thought that being happy would make it go away and once again I was wrong. Here I sit almost 30 and I cant find a path for me. Everyone else is doing well with their life and here I am still struggling. I am no where I want to be except in love and sometimes I dont even think you love me as much as I love you. Im slowly drowning in my depression but no one can ever tell, but then again, no one calls to check up on me ever. I not even fucking invited to my best friends wedding. Everyone has just written me off. All I know is no fucking body better be all on my social media or funeral and say how close we were. BITCH FUCK YOU. I only have a few people that I actually talk and consider friends. Like wtf.

Closure.

First off, let me start by saying Im sorry,
My intentions were never to hurt you,
But you sitting here thinking I played you like atari.

Nah girl let put this out there now,
There were feelings I felt,
But saying them I didnt know how.

No it wasnt that 4 letter word,
Thinking about it now,
That wouldve been absurd.

Only knew you for a few,
Being single was still brand new,
I longed for what I had,
Thought it was with you.

I wasnt wrong, but I wasnt right,
It was so uncalled for,
I keep replaying that fight,
It use to keep me up at night.

I think what we had was more friends with benefits,
I know that isnt right,
It might make you sick.
You comforted me, as I did you,
We both knew what we were going through.
I was sad and alone,
You needed a friendly voice on the phone.

I just wanted to clear things up and get it iff my chest,
You know finally put this old anguish to rest.

You showed me there are good people out there,
And that I shouldnt fret,
But you also showed me what I should be careful for,
And that I didnt get.

From the jump you wanted all my time,
I felt like I couldnt breathe,
At that time I didnt get it,
You just wanted me for me.

Now I see that youre doing well,
Thats all I ever wanted,
I hope your life stays swell,
Dont pretend, or put on a front.

Show people the loving person I know you can be,
No thanks to me, I sorry I couldnt see.
Keep your head up and stride high.
This letter to you is my final goodbye.

Im sorry for everything I put you through,
But you made it,
Well, in life thats all you can do.
Love yourself and your family,
Thats all you need, for that I know is true.
Never again shall you be sad and blue.

Im happy with my life and so are you.

<3 tbabes

worthless

Have you ever just felt like you arent enough? Like no matter what you do you will never be good enough? You work your ass off to get where you want to be and still feel worthless? Sometimes I try not to break down and cry because I know that I am not good enough. I will never amount to the one most important person. I am just something that they hope to be the best they have ever had, yet I am no where close to being the best. I am a worthless piece of shit that means nothing to no one. My family acts like they like me when I know deep down they dont. Deep inside I dont even know what I am doing anymore. Day in and day out... same routine. No friends because I cant trust anyone, but i can always help people but no one offers to help in return. I am dying here... in my own nightingale complex. Oh well... fuck it.

A Letter of Reassurance

Nici, Nici, Nici,

Here we are again, in this place called life.

Over the past few months things have been crazy and hectic. Everything that was happening was impossible to overcome. But even the most impossible things are possible... the word itself says so.

I just wanted to write this letter to you to let you know. You are the only one that I want for the rest of my life. Relationships arent meant to be easy.. if they were, we wouldve settled down with the first person we dated.. thank goodness that isnt the case! lol In many ways though we are actually perfect. this relationship has been the best thusfar, it actually is easy. We get along, our minds are alike but different and we love adventures! It gets scary to think that you just spent a year with one person, when not even a year ago, we were both actually okay with being single for forever. Now after having this time with you, I cant imagine the rest of my life with you. I am not perfect and I let you know that from the beginning. You saw all the people I dated, they were a mess.. they were anything but good for me. You, you are everything to me, sometimes youre bad for me but thats because we love life and love to get our adrenaline running. For the most part though, you are the best thing for me always, you keep me calm, you remind me that I matter and  never let me handle anything alone. for that I love you.

I know it may seem that right now is odd and that theres a distance, but that is because there is. We have been so self consumed with our own thoughts. I feel you have come to the point where you may not know if you wanna be want to be with me for forever or it could be the opposite, that you arent sure if I will be. Normally I start think that I am not enough and or my significant other could do better. At this point, I dont think that at all. I know I am doing my best to make you happy and I know that if you didnt want to be with me youd tell me. Whatever is filling our minds, we can overcome it and build an even stronger bond than before. If we dont, just know I am behind what ever decision you decide, I would never force you or myself to be in a situation if we dont want to..... BUT MY HOPE is that is never the case... REALLY I JUST WANT TO SCREAM "YOU ARE MINE FOREVER AND YOU ARE STUCK" -- I mean technically yeah though lol.

Anyway, the recap of this all is I know we are at some weird stage right now, but we will get through it. I know that I am TRULY IN LOVE WITH YOU. I mean I haven dated anyone over a year in the past few years, so Im scared shitless, but I look forward to having many more years with you.I
I wrote this hoping that it clears where we stand. The only way we are going baby is up.. we are going to build together even when the world throws rocks at us.

I Love You
Always & Forever,
Sincerely,
Still this mess of a woman.<3

Mask

People will always wear a mask to hide what they are feeling. I am like that.. to be completely honest. My mind is going crazy 24/7 but I will always keep a smile on my face... for the most part. I have always been one to wear my emotions on my sleeves. I just once again.. need to vent.

HEY, if someone is having a bad day... it can go one of two ways.. make em mile or you make it worst by trying to make them smile. SOMETIMES I just want to have a fucking bad day. Please allow it to continue and end like so. 

Everyday, I slowly fall into my thoughts. I work as much as I do to keep me busy but also help with my bills. I love to however, spend as much time as I can with my gf though. She means the world to me and I know that no day is promised. So I try to make sure that at all moments she knows that I love her. That goes for all you people too. For those few that read this blog... I have an idea of who some of you are... some I dont. I care about you. Dont let a day go by without letting your loved ones know how much you love them. 

Did you guys know that every time I write one of these involving feelins....I cry. Yeah Im a little bitch but at least I know what I feel.

Have you ever just felt so distant with someone whether its your family, friends or significant other... that their words dont seem the same as they were before? Like their actions didnt match their words? I do.. with quite few people though.. You know.. if I ever get married, the saddest part is I dont even know who the fuck my bridesmaids would be.. because honestly I dont have friends like that. Id rather complete strangers attend my wedding and participate because they will just congratulate you instead of judging you for everything youve been through. **shoot me an email if you want to be a part of my future wedding lmao** Like the only person I can truly trust is myself... everyone else is being weird or doing their own thing. Which I understand...

I just want to be okay again. I dont want all these monsters in my head. I want to go back to the old days where I didnt have the pain, hurt, broken trust and the broken promises to haunt my every moment. I still hold myself back from completely bursting into tears. I just want it to be happy again. I just want it all erased. The smile I have to hide the pain that I feel inside. 

This was pretty serious.. but remember..

chin up and arms out... take it a day at a time. 

ttyl loves.

~tbabes<3