A Letter of Reassurance

Nici, Nici, Nici,

Here we are again, in this place called life.

Over the past few months things have been crazy and hectic. Everything that was happening was impossible to overcome. But even the most impossible things are possible... the word itself says so.

I just wanted to write this letter to you to let you know. You are the only one that I want for the rest of my life. Relationships arent meant to be easy.. if they were, we wouldve settled down with the first person we dated.. thank goodness that isnt the case! lol In many ways though we are actually perfect. this relationship has been the best thusfar, it actually is easy. We get along, our minds are alike but different and we love adventures! It gets scary to think that you just spent a year with one person, when not even a year ago, we were both actually okay with being single for forever. Now after having this time with you, I cant imagine the rest of my life with you. I am not perfect and I let you know that from the beginning. You saw all the people I dated, they were a mess.. they were anything but good for me. You, you are everything to me, sometimes youre bad for me but thats because we love life and love to get our adrenaline running. For the most part though, you are the best thing for me always, you keep me calm, you remind me that I matter and  never let me handle anything alone. for that I love you.

I know it may seem that right now is odd and that theres a distance, but that is because there is. We have been so self consumed with our own thoughts. I feel you have come to the point where you may not know if you wanna be want to be with me for forever or it could be the opposite, that you arent sure if I will be. Normally I start think that I am not enough and or my significant other could do better. At this point, I dont think that at all. I know I am doing my best to make you happy and I know that if you didnt want to be with me youd tell me. Whatever is filling our minds, we can overcome it and build an even stronger bond than before. If we dont, just know I am behind what ever decision you decide, I would never force you or myself to be in a situation if we dont want to..... BUT MY HOPE is that is never the case... REALLY I JUST WANT TO SCREAM "YOU ARE MINE FOREVER AND YOU ARE STUCK" -- I mean technically yeah though lol.

Anyway, the recap of this all is I know we are at some weird stage right now, but we will get through it. I know that I am TRULY IN LOVE WITH YOU. I mean I haven dated anyone over a year in the past few years, so Im scared shitless, but I look forward to having many more years with you.I
I wrote this hoping that it clears where we stand. The only way we are going baby is up.. we are going to build together even when the world throws rocks at us.

I Love You
Always & Forever,
Sincerely,
Still this mess of a woman.<3

Mask

People will always wear a mask to hide what they are feeling. I am like that.. to be completely honest. My mind is going crazy 24/7 but I will always keep a smile on my face... for the most part. I have always been one to wear my emotions on my sleeves. I just once again.. need to vent.

HEY, if someone is having a bad day... it can go one of two ways.. make em mile or you make it worst by trying to make them smile. SOMETIMES I just want to have a fucking bad day. Please allow it to continue and end like so. 

Everyday, I slowly fall into my thoughts. I work as much as I do to keep me busy but also help with my bills. I love to however, spend as much time as I can with my gf though. She means the world to me and I know that no day is promised. So I try to make sure that at all moments she knows that I love her. That goes for all you people too. For those few that read this blog... I have an idea of who some of you are... some I dont. I care about you. Dont let a day go by without letting your loved ones know how much you love them. 

Did you guys know that every time I write one of these involving feelins....I cry. Yeah Im a little bitch but at least I know what I feel.

Have you ever just felt so distant with someone whether its your family, friends or significant other... that their words dont seem the same as they were before? Like their actions didnt match their words? I do.. with quite few people though.. You know.. if I ever get married, the saddest part is I dont even know who the fuck my bridesmaids would be.. because honestly I dont have friends like that. Id rather complete strangers attend my wedding and participate because they will just congratulate you instead of judging you for everything youve been through. **shoot me an email if you want to be a part of my future wedding lmao** Like the only person I can truly trust is myself... everyone else is being weird or doing their own thing. Which I understand...

I just want to be okay again. I dont want all these monsters in my head. I want to go back to the old days where I didnt have the pain, hurt, broken trust and the broken promises to haunt my every moment. I still hold myself back from completely bursting into tears. I just want it to be happy again. I just want it all erased. The smile I have to hide the pain that I feel inside. 

This was pretty serious.. but remember..

chin up and arms out... take it a day at a time. 

ttyl loves.

~tbabes<3

Small Dec Update.

I guess its time for another blog. I keep slacking but life has been so busy and crazy I dont even know how to handle it anymore. I mean its not a bad thing.

Oh, but you guys, it fucking snowed. whoop!

I have so much on my plate. I've been trying to adult properly but I am starting to think that life is nothing but struggling. As I sit here and thinking about everything that has happened, it is crazy.
I said last year that I would possibly be living in Atlanta by now. That didn't happen. I now have my amazing girlfriend here in Texas. I have been working my ass off so that she doesn't have to worry about anything of mine. She works her ass off too. That's what she knows. She is not a slacker by any means. I have never been with someone who is genuinely looking to make a better future for the both of us and not just themselves. I am utterly happy with the way life is going I just wish I could do everything that I want to. 2017 has been pretty great though, I believe that 2018 will only be better. I need to get back into school guys, BUT GETTING AN EXTRA $500 to help get me back in... that is most definitely a challenge. I am sad that I don't have any friends that I can call and just be like, "Hey, lets hang out." They are too consumed with life or stupid. The kind where you're like ... really? I just want to chill and you're being rude or utterly dumb asfk. 

I really dont have too much to say this time round. I have been living to where all I do is chill and work. half of my day is spent at work or driving to places. I mean... I can tell you everything thats been happening, but will you really read it? If I told you what worries me day in and day out, my worst fears or reasons why depression sets in? Have you ever felt so much distance that it is hard to bear and you fight everyday not to break down in tears? You guys ever go to work and cant stand to feel like you arent worth fucking shit and ask, what am I even doing here? What difference am I really making in this world? shit I don't even know anymore. You know what I feel you always need in life? Intimacy and someone who understands you that you can talk to and have all your trust in, yeah, you have family but sometimes you cant always depend on blood. I learned that. We all are the same but our lives went down different paths. Sometimes I still sit here and think.... if people saw what are in my thoughts... they wouldnt look at me the same. My mind is so violent.. my mind isnt nice to me. I love myself I do... that little voice in the back of my head is a bitch though. Still thinks that no one cares and that no one could truly love me because I am a fucking psychopath. All I want in life is to be happy and not have my anxiety or depression fuck it all up.

But anyway. Its time for me to go back home.

Remember, chin up and arms out.
take it one day at a time. <3

~tbabes<3