A Letter of Reassurance

Nici, Nici, Nici,

Here we are again, in this place called life.

Over the past few months things have been crazy and hectic. Everything that was happening was impossible to overcome. But even the most impossible things are possible... the word itself says so.

I just wanted to write this letter to you to let you know. You are the only one that I want for the rest of my life. Relationships arent meant to be easy.. if they were, we wouldve settled down with the first person we dated.. thank goodness that isnt the case! lol In many ways though we are actually perfect. this relationship has been the best thusfar, it actually is easy. We get along, our minds are alike but different and we love adventures! It gets scary to think that you just spent a year with one person, when not even a year ago, we were both actually okay with being single for forever. Now after having this time with you, I cant imagine the rest of my life with you. I am not perfect and I let you know that from the beginning. You saw all the people I dated, they were a mess.. they were anything but good for me. You, you are everything to me, sometimes youre bad for me but thats because we love life and love to get our adrenaline running. For the most part though, you are the best thing for me always, you keep me calm, you remind me that I matter and  never let me handle anything alone. for that I love you.

I know it may seem that right now is odd and that theres a distance, but that is because there is. We have been so self consumed with our own thoughts. I feel you have come to the point where you may not know if you wanna be want to be with me for forever or it could be the opposite, that you arent sure if I will be. Normally I start think that I am not enough and or my significant other could do better. At this point, I dont think that at all. I know I am doing my best to make you happy and I know that if you didnt want to be with me youd tell me. Whatever is filling our minds, we can overcome it and build an even stronger bond than before. If we dont, just know I am behind what ever decision you decide, I would never force you or myself to be in a situation if we dont want to..... BUT MY HOPE is that is never the case... REALLY I JUST WANT TO SCREAM "YOU ARE MINE FOREVER AND YOU ARE STUCK" -- I mean technically yeah though lol.

Anyway, the recap of this all is I know we are at some weird stage right now, but we will get through it. I know that I am TRULY IN LOVE WITH YOU. I mean I haven dated anyone over a year in the past few years, so Im scared shitless, but I look forward to having many more years with you.I
I wrote this hoping that it clears where we stand. The only way we are going baby is up.. we are going to build together even when the world throws rocks at us.

I Love You
Always & Forever,
Sincerely,
Still this mess of a woman.<3

Mask

People will always wear a mask to hide what they are feeling. I am like that.. to be completely honest. My mind is going crazy 24/7 but I will always keep a smile on my face... for the most part. I have always been one to wear my emotions on my sleeves. I just once again.. need to vent.

HEY, if someone is having a bad day... it can go one of two ways.. make em mile or you make it worst by trying to make them smile. SOMETIMES I just want to have a fucking bad day. Please allow it to continue and end like so. 

Everyday, I slowly fall into my thoughts. I work as much as I do to keep me busy but also help with my bills. I love to however, spend as much time as I can with my gf though. She means the world to me and I know that no day is promised. So I try to make sure that at all moments she knows that I love her. That goes for all you people too. For those few that read this blog... I have an idea of who some of you are... some I dont. I care about you. Dont let a day go by without letting your loved ones know how much you love them. 

Did you guys know that every time I write one of these involving feelins....I cry. Yeah Im a little bitch but at least I know what I feel.

Have you ever just felt so distant with someone whether its your family, friends or significant other... that their words dont seem the same as they were before? Like their actions didnt match their words? I do.. with quite few people though.. You know.. if I ever get married, the saddest part is I dont even know who the fuck my bridesmaids would be.. because honestly I dont have friends like that. Id rather complete strangers attend my wedding and participate because they will just congratulate you instead of judging you for everything youve been through. **shoot me an email if you want to be a part of my future wedding lmao** Like the only person I can truly trust is myself... everyone else is being weird or doing their own thing. Which I understand...

I just want to be okay again. I dont want all these monsters in my head. I want to go back to the old days where I didnt have the pain, hurt, broken trust and the broken promises to haunt my every moment. I still hold myself back from completely bursting into tears. I just want it to be happy again. I just want it all erased. The smile I have to hide the pain that I feel inside. 

This was pretty serious.. but remember..

chin up and arms out... take it a day at a time. 

ttyl loves.

~tbabes<3

Small Dec Update.

I guess its time for another blog. I keep slacking but life has been so busy and crazy I dont even know how to handle it anymore. I mean its not a bad thing.

Oh, but you guys, it fucking snowed. whoop!

I have so much on my plate. I've been trying to adult properly but I am starting to think that life is nothing but struggling. As I sit here and thinking about everything that has happened, it is crazy.
I said last year that I would possibly be living in Atlanta by now. That didn't happen. I now have my amazing girlfriend here in Texas. I have been working my ass off so that she doesn't have to worry about anything of mine. She works her ass off too. That's what she knows. She is not a slacker by any means. I have never been with someone who is genuinely looking to make a better future for the both of us and not just themselves. I am utterly happy with the way life is going I just wish I could do everything that I want to. 2017 has been pretty great though, I believe that 2018 will only be better. I need to get back into school guys, BUT GETTING AN EXTRA $500 to help get me back in... that is most definitely a challenge. I am sad that I don't have any friends that I can call and just be like, "Hey, lets hang out." They are too consumed with life or stupid. The kind where you're like ... really? I just want to chill and you're being rude or utterly dumb asfk. 

I really dont have too much to say this time round. I have been living to where all I do is chill and work. half of my day is spent at work or driving to places. I mean... I can tell you everything thats been happening, but will you really read it? If I told you what worries me day in and day out, my worst fears or reasons why depression sets in? Have you ever felt so much distance that it is hard to bear and you fight everyday not to break down in tears? You guys ever go to work and cant stand to feel like you arent worth fucking shit and ask, what am I even doing here? What difference am I really making in this world? shit I don't even know anymore. You know what I feel you always need in life? Intimacy and someone who understands you that you can talk to and have all your trust in, yeah, you have family but sometimes you cant always depend on blood. I learned that. We all are the same but our lives went down different paths. Sometimes I still sit here and think.... if people saw what are in my thoughts... they wouldnt look at me the same. My mind is so violent.. my mind isnt nice to me. I love myself I do... that little voice in the back of my head is a bitch though. Still thinks that no one cares and that no one could truly love me because I am a fucking psychopath. All I want in life is to be happy and not have my anxiety or depression fuck it all up.

But anyway. Its time for me to go back home.

Remember, chin up and arms out.
take it one day at a time. <3

~tbabes<3

What is love?

What is love? There are so many perceptions on what love is. Over the years, through the decades and to different people it means something different. One thing that stands to be a common theme among them all - is that they all will do whatever they can for their significant other. That is true for those that are truly in love.

It’s the way you are able to be yourself when you are around them. You should never have to feel like you need to be someone different to make them happy. Then at that point in time you are fake and they are falling in love with the person you pretend to be. That overall will make you a very unhappy individual and the love that you think you have is not real. **take a minute to let that soak in - I’ll wait*

Love is a wonderful feeling when it is returned. So many of us out there have tried time and time again to give our love to someone but ultimately were disappointed because it wasn’t real and you had to again, start all over with someone new. I know that many can agree that the “getting to know you” stage is so long and drawn. You don’t really know a person until you live with them anyway.

So here you are getting to know this person and you don’t want to jump completely in and move in together so you wait it out for a couple of months. (if it didn’t work, you’ll feel like it was time wasted – untrue, it’s a lesson that you learn from). So, you waited lets say 6 months, now you are living together. At this stage, you are learning each others habits. This is a make it or break it point. You are watching them and learning them..... is this person clean? Does the way he or she live conform to how you live? Does he or she separate the lights, darks, whites and black clothes when doing laundry? Do they was dishes by hand or always go to the dish washer? Are they the person you though they were? 

I'm not going to lie. In no way, shape or form is this easy. Over time things may change.  You may love each other and things will be going well. Then sometimes youll start to feel distant. Like something has changed. You feel like yall have fallen out of love with one another. There are many things that run through your mind and you cant but feel insecure again like  you once did before.You keep telling yourself that you are just tripping and overreacting. You start thinking that they have found interest in someone else, but because you are afraid of the answer and you arent the type to go through your significant others phone, you just let it bottle up insides - slowly killing yourself and breaking your heart.  Dont let those doubts get to you. Swear, I know it hurts.  Trust me with proper communication, yall can work it out and talk about where yall are in this relationship.

I have come to find out that all people are different. Everyone has their own definition of love and how it should be shown.
Like myself for instance, I grew up with no affection. My parents were never the ones to show PDA so I have not the slightest clue what you do when you are in a relationship. All I can gather is what I see on TV. Thats exactly what I do too. I like to cuddle, forever hugs and lots of kisses. The way I look at it, you never know when the last time you are going to see your significant other. Life is like that. That why I believe that the physical intimacy of a relationship is very important. Excuse my language - fucking and having sex when you can... that is a MUST. Holding hands, feet cuddling, sleeping with your butt on their back - those are feelings that bring you to euphoria. It is when you are the happiest. It reduces stress. Sex definitely reduces stress. Especially if you are truly in love with that person.
Then there are people who are like me but follow in their parents footsteps - they dont do all the affection stuff because they dont know how to feel about it. Some find someone just like that, then they love how they love... without all the lovey dovey shit. In my opinion, I would be upset. I love you and I want you to know that I love you. Dont push me away - all that does is literally push me away physically and mentally. Its happened - thats why most of my relationships didnt work. I didnt love them, I pushed them away.. they didnt make my spirit happy. If anything they brought my spirit so far down that I didnt think that I could ever feel love again.

Back to the point though, all relationships go through up and downs. However, if yall are working and fighting for your love together then all will be well.

You will know if you are in love or not. Love for me is when you wake up and go to bed thinking about them. Where you couldnt imagine being without them. It is when you smile for no reason when they cross your mind or their name shows up on your phone. Love is having these butterflies all the time, even after months or years of being together. That every time you look at them, you feel like the luckiest person alive. You dont know how you were ever happy without them. I can go on and on, but I am going to end this right here.

Remember, arms out and chin up.
things will get better - you are the best you ever.

This is me signing off lves.

-tbabes<3

Pre-Hurricane Harvey Post

Well here it is. Houston is expecting to be on the shit end of a Hurricane and EVERYONE is in total PANIC. Stores are sold out of canned food and water and no one knows what is going to happen. Well shit, it just started raining.. I've only been at work for maybe an hour. I work north of where I live so I am kind of worried about this drive home.

Over the years Hurricanes come and go and no one knows how bad these will get. So far, I have learned that Houston floods A LOT. 

For anyone that doesnt live in Houston and is planning on moving here or sporadically move here because or work or personal reasons, remember this list:

Important things needed:

Generator (if you can afford one)

Water - based on the category - lots of it, but dont be greedy Houston people tend to over react and buy WAY more than they need for the sole purpose of being greedy. HEY HOUSTON people YOU ARENT THE ONLY ONES WHO NEEDS WATER..

Canned Foods/Non-perishables - ravioli, soup, veggies - and if you are like me ... snacks(which I didnt know about this thil too late so I am scarce on food -_-

Flashlights/Batteries/Portable chargers - well DUH

First aid/Emergency Kit - in case anyone get hurt.

Definitely fill a tub with water so you have flushing water. Boil water or filter water and save it to the side if you are unable to get bottled water. 

GAS: Once you find out fill your car, get the extra sides of gas to have because gas will go right before - I know because I have been trying to fill my tank for two days -_- (even though Im broke - Im pulling pennies together to try and fill my tank if I can find a gas station WITH GAS... )

I knew about this just a day and a half before this hoes was gonna hit, I AM NOT PREPARED. 

I hope that everyone is safe. Remember: Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

Love you all. 

Ill ttyl.

This is me signing off. Always: chin up and arms out. 

<3 tbabes 

what does it mean?

Deep dark clouds,
Cold deep breathing,
Doing nothing but roaming the world,
I feel like a damn heathen.

Choices have regets,
I dont quite understand,
I am still alive yet,
This isnt the promised land.

Shriveled fingers,
Watery eyes,
Not everyone lives,
But everyone dies.

All I ever want for is for comfort and understanding,
Living this damn life,
Its so demanding.

Days to nights,
Weeks into years,
How does one live their life,
So full of fear.

Yes true, everyone is meant for something,
Just trying and looking,
What the fuck does this life mean?

A letter to TLOML ♥️

My dearest Nici,

I want you to know that I love you. You stole my heart the first day we met over 3 years ago. We were both in unhappy relationships at that point in time however we thought that we were in love and were willing to keep trying with them. Days passed since I first met you  and never saw you again. I was sad about that no doubt but life was funny. Somehow I started seeing you more in the most random places. Those few times at the coffee shop where you were waiting on so said girlfriend to get off or whatnot. I saw you there a few times and never had the nerve to say anything with the fear of rejection. My heart would've melted had you not remembered who I was. One day, I said fuck it and walked up to you and finally said hi... I died a little inside because the way you responded sounded like you didn't know who I was. I know now that wasn't the case. Sorry about that by the way LOL.  Then again, I lost you. Suddenly one day, my sister wanted to get her hair done so I took her and stayed with her. I had a small conversation with the hair dresser and as we spoke I told her that I was a lesbian and  she was like "oh I am too. My girlfriend is actually right there." Would you know it... to my surprise it was you. However, you were so into your phone you didn't even notice me. I didn't bother to even say hi. You were taken, what would've been the point??

Well fast forward. Years later, here I am in a car with you on our way to visit your family. These are the moments I live for. Going on roadtrips with the love of my life and getting away. Jamming to our random music. I cant believe that we are here today.

I have gotten to wake up and fall asleep beside you. Now lets not sugar coat this shit and say we cuddle all the time. Truth is, we dont. It gets hot sometimes!! Not to mention when Im not feeling well  or have a stuffed nose... let me apologise for all the random tissues and snotrags you may find. Everyday when I come home and youre there, its makes my day. I wouldnt want to come home and see anyone else. You are the voice that calms me down, you are the presence that makes my whole being know everything is okay, you are the future I envision. I will give up my last for you. My past, my exes - they are gone - they wont do anything but cause trouble and instill doubts. I believe us to be a forever thing, so anything that may cause doubts, Im not about it. Hell, me and my ex raised a child together and because she would try to cause problems I had to tell her to step off. Plus it would be disrespectful to our relationship since you voiced that you dont do exes. Neither do I, I am glad that we have this mutual agreement. Overall, you make my life more meaningful than it was before.

I love the way we laugh about nothing, do the most randomest shit and just have a good time overall. Theres not a thing about you that I would change. You have shown me that love is real and that maybe I am meant to be as happy as the people we see in these gay ass movies. I love when you fall asleep first and I hear your grizzly bear snores or that cute thing you do when you yawn. You allow me to be myself without judgement. I can only hope I do the same for you. I love you for who you are and what youve been through. Everything you have endured has made you into this wonderful human being unexplainable by any words. You are an absolute gift to those who are lucky enough to have you in their life. I cant wait to see what the future holds for us.

I am not the easiest person to get along with and I thank you so much for putting up with me. I have mood swings and attitudes. I dont always think before I speak. Please believe that I will never do anything to hurt you. I want to make you as happy as you make me. My past has really fucked me up and I hope that you can put up with me as I overcome these obstacles. Thank you for understanding what I have gone through and working with me through them. I was happy alone before I met you but now you have made my life even more amazing than I could ever think possible. All I ask is for you to please be patient with me. Again, I love you... mucho mas que palabras. You are my forever and always. 💕

Sincerely,
This mess of a woman.

Another Update on life.

My blogs are becoming more recent and more often. How do you guys like it? I know there aren’t many of yall but I know you are out there reading and peering into my life. I thank you for taking the time out of your day to read through my rants about mostly nothingness. I know that last blog may have been hurtful but I am okay. I am a strong woman and I have the best support behind me. Everyone... and I MEAN EVERYONE… goes through those moments and you just breathe. All is better. Never, please never think that I would take my life away… I no longer have those urges – just mini mental breakdowns – for that I am sorry if it causes you discomfort. I have a beautiful loving girlfriend, a nephew that is almost 1 and another one on the way. I can’t ask for a better life. Sometimes things seem impossible but I know that in the end it’ll all be worth it. Many things take time. It’s a repetitive statement in all my blogs. GOOD THINGS TAKE TIME.

Yes, all things that I post are real. They are not made up stories that I grab from random thoughts in my head. ALTHOUGH – I want to start writing a story and want to post it on here… Give me feedback maybe? I don’t care who you are. I would love some feedback.

Going back to what I was saying… my life is hectic. I work nonstop. I am thankful for the evenings that I get to spend with my family and my girlfriend. When I can for the most part… I saw my nephew the other day for about an hour, I hadn’t seen him in almost 2 months and I think he had forgotten about me. I was very sad and distracted my mind by cleaning my mothers’ house. I still played with him and we had a few laughs. I loved it. Its crazy, I thought at this age that I would have a set career where I enjoyed everything that I do, be finished with school and be married to the love of my life working on a family. So far none of that has been accomplished except for me finding the love of my life. It only took us 3-4 years to actually talk to each other. In that instance… I jumped on that opportunity. We were both single.. I had wanted to talk to her for so long.. I couldn’t let her slip from my grasps again. This is going to sound horrible, but I am glad it didn’t work out with the rest of them… What we have is what I have been waiting for my whole life. I have never been able to be myself with anyone else. I was always having to change or pretend to be someone I wasn’t. In one of my past relationships, I even gave away my super comfortable bball shorts because “Studs” are the only ones who wear those. Which was 100% FALSE. I knew plenty of girls that loved bball shorts that were not studs. I LOVED THOSE BBALL SHORTS.. UGH. Anywho, now I can have messy hair and look a hot mess and I know that I am loved either way. Many of you guys are probably wondering who this woman is that has me completely helplessly in love with her. I will post a pic soon I promise. It may even be this post. It all depends on how I am feeling. Our story is totally something out of a fairy tale. Maybe one day Ill leave it on here. Who knows.

I feel like I have so much to say but I also want to save some for my later blogs. So with that being said I think I am done with this one. Look for some more soon! <3

Well this is me signing off loves.

Remember: chin up and arms out. Take like a day at a time. Things WILL indeed get better.

Always,

~tbabes<3

Downward Spiral... BREATHEEEE..

Man, this is going to be a really random post. I have no idea what is happening in my life right now, all I know is that I am happy. 

Have you ever wondered how you can be so happy, yet feel like a worthless piece of crap existing on this earth with no soul purpose but to live and die? yeah? Well, I am right there with you. 

I know my worth and I know that I am destined for something great. I also have those moments where I am wondering if I am doing everything right in my life. For the past month, I have done well not to break down in tears. However, last night I came to a breaking point. I showered.. felt all the weight of the world pushed down on my shoulders... I ended up in a bath... I stopped the water enough so that I could breathe.. any other time I attempted this I would forget to stop the water flow... I laid there ... I had music on but I heard only the sound of the water in my ears, My eyes red from rubbing them and the water drops hitting me in the eye. At that moment, I wished I were dead.  

Moments like I had last night.. I know that I am not the only one.. I want to say to those out there... BREATHE... It gets better. It may take tons of time but the best things come to those who wait. 

Lately I have been feeling very insecure as well. I do not feel beautiful. I have tried to dress up and make myself feel better. However, even with my best attempt, it fails. I dont know whats going on with me ... I was so close to cutting myself last night... I hated my skin.. I am glad I didnt.. I know who I am.. I know I am beautiful... just sometimes that insecurity sets in and makes my dangerous thoughts come to light. 

Well, I must go now. More updates later.

Remeber: Chin up and arms out. Take it a day at a time. Things WILL get better. This is me signing off loves. 

~tbabes<3

Life.. it happens. Just run with it.

How long does one have to pretend to be happy before completely giving up? Staying at a job for the pay but completely dreading going to that godforsaken place. Knowing that the cost of living is high asfk and you have to make sure you can pay bills. Trying to restrain from asking for help. Ive been doing this so long I dont know anything else. Do you ever just think what if? What if this happened for me way when? What if I took my life into my own hands and guided myself at an earlier age?

AT what point in my life should I have realized that I was in the world on my own. Everyone learns at a different age. Some mature faster than other because they have seen and experienced the struggle first hand. 

I wouldnt say that I was privileged. I was given things that I didnt ask for. My parents got me a car at 16...cool. Mind you, it was given to me to help take them places and my siblings to school. However, with that mobility, I went and got myself my first job, then I worked 2 jobs and went to school. I was young so I didnt understand what burning myself out was. I saw my parents work all the time and I felt like that is what my life is suppose to be like. To follow in their footsteps and work hard and all the time. My parents are still doing that today... just beasting through life. I admire them so much for what they do and what they have accomplished. They came to the US with nothing but their family and a dream. They give me the strength to want to better and make a good life for myself and hopefully I can let them retire and take care of them.

Life is tough. You will go through things and just wonder.. WHY ME? However, you just have to keep your head up and push through. You hold your future in your hands, you make your life what you make it. 

I am working two jobs right now and I have not had a day off in over a month.. oh wait, Im a liar, I had off July 4th. I mean that doesnt count, I was freaking sick lol. My point is, I will stop at nothing to make my life how I want. I no longer want to ask my friends, family or my parents for any help. This means having to pawn stuff for a little extra cash. Not eating so I can have gas money. The beautiful thing about my struggle is that I am not doing this alone. My wonderful gf has been by me through it all. The amazing part is that we dont look at it as a struggle anymore. It just happens and we stock snacks and food for future meals. It isnt much but this is how we live and we are not one bit complaining. There may have been times where we didnt think and stupidly spent money - but at no point were we unhappy or disappointed. 

Things may have not be looking up for you right now, but continuously keep your head up, somethings waiting for you. everything takes a tad bit of time. <3

Well loves. I must go. My lunch is over. OH I have a new job, I'll fill yall in more later. As of now...

ttyl loves.
Remember: chin up and arms out. Take it a day at a time.

love always.
tbabes<3

MARCH ALREADY!?

Oh man, we have final reached March? sheesh why did January go by so damn slow and February literally slipped through our fingers!

So much has happened within the last few weeks. I have to say though that I am at a much happier place in my life. I love my job(most of the time), I am going to looking for another job soon so that I have extra income. I have a new apartment in a new exciting area and I every morning I get to wake up to my amazing gf and fall asleep next to her. I couldn't ask for more. The only thing that upsets me is that I am farther from my family...I of course will have to make trips out there, of course when traffic isn't killer. 

Even though I am struggling, I have never felt so complete in my life. Everyday, I swear it gets harder but I push through the day and stay happy. Whats the point in living if you stay mad or angry all the time? Life is about living and enjoying it. Theres so much more to you this world that you have yet to see.

I have never wanted so much more from my life as I do today-I mean I have always had goals, but now I want to push even harder. I cant imagine living a better life than I have right now. Sure I dont get to spend as much time as I want with my gf because we are always working, but we are truly building a future together. I thought I knew what love was before, but this totally changes everything. I have always felt lonely sleeping next to my exes - I literally cried myself to sleep with my past - EVEN IN THE BEGINNING. I felt so controlled, I felt as if I just wasnt enough. As happy as I thought I was, I was enternally dying and falling into a dark depression and my self esteem sunk entirely. Even when things got heated and physical I thought that maybe I deserved it and I was to blame for any problems that we had. It was toxic and unhealthy. Over the years and after my last break up, I learned to love myself and I was totally okay with being alone. I got to hang out with friends and do as I pleased. No, I wasn't out being a whore. Anything close to that would be me sleeping (like laying in bed with another woman) while me and my then gf were on a break(we both knew it was over-however she was too okay with using me to let me go). I had fun that night, I made new friends, drank with new friends and just danced. I never felt so free. There is nothing wrong with being alone. It gives you the time find who you are and what you want. I remember I was on my way to hang out with my now gf in MS and my ex would call me and check on me and try to make me come back... at that time this was the first road trip that I was doing alone.. I wanted to finally live my life. Once I got to MS until I came back to TX I had my phone on "Do Not Disturb".  I didn't want to waste my time anymore with people that could care less about my well being. ANY OF YOU, don't waste your time on people that don't give a real shit about you.

This blog is getting a little lenghty I think its time for me to bid yall adieu. OH BTW MY GFS BDAY IS IN A FEW DAYS!!! whoop whoop!

This is me signing off loves.
Remember: chin up and arms out, take it one day at a time. Everything gets better - I promise.

I love you all.
xoxoxo
~tbabes <3

Randomness for the month of Feb

This is going to be random. I just need to vent. I need to let a lot things that have been weighing on my mind.

I found myself within the past few months.. I know who I am and who I am becoming - yet why do I feel like I am losing myself all over again at the same time. All I want to be is perfect in my eyes but no matter how hard I try I cant please myself. I want to lose weight but the only way I know how to do that is to literally starve myself or just not think about eating. I want to work out or go on runs, hopefully after I move, I have more motivation to become a better me and be happy in my eyes. I have this horrible image of me that was built up from my family at a young age. I was mentally abused and sometimes that continues now. I love my parents house, but sometimes Id rather not be there because it forces me to pretend to be somebody I am not and I absolutely hate that fake shit. I am at an age in my life where I just want to live life for me and fuck anyone who thinks that I should be any other way that makes me untrue to myself. I love my girlfriend dearly and everyday ... I mean EVERYDAY ... She reminds me that I am gorgeous. It helps me tremendously and I don't she realizes it. It makes everyday go by so much smoother. Enough about me.

Can we just take a minute to appreciate how much I am in love with this woman? She is perfection that I cannot even put in words.. its crazy. I have a lot of insecurities that she has not seen yet, but for the most part I don't worry. I worry about her well being and that's all. The long distance is a killer but we are so strong together and so willing to make this last forever... That it scares the living hell out of me. My heart breaks a little with the thought of losing her... Not that it is gonna happen... Shes pretty much stuck with me now. I have NEVER had anyone who truly cares about me like she does. I have so many people take advantage of my kindness and do me all sorts of different ways (meaning they play me, cheat on me or just take me for my money) and she doesn't. I don't see this from her at all. People in the past fell in love with me but they didn't really understand the person that I am. They saw what I wanted them to see. However with her, I can truly be myself. The person that I am and the person that I am becoming and she is accepting of the person I was. We all have a bad past.. but it all molds us to become who we are now. She is so supportive of anything that I do or choose to do. I can truly say that I am not worried about anything with her. She stole my heart 3 years ago and being able to be with her like this reminded me of why I fell for her back then... I am falling harder for her everyday.. as much as I try I cant stop it. She is so ambitious and driven - she has such a good head on her shoulders. She lets nothing stop her or get in her way and I abso-fucking-lutely adore that about her. All the things that her and I went through in the past- I hope that we never have to go through any of that again. I will always look out for her as I have been over the years. She is my  absolute happiness and she reminds me that I can do anything that I put my mind to. I only hope that I do the same for her. I really don't even stress that much anymore all thanks to her.I want to just say this one more time... SHE IS SO DAMN PERFECT - Shanice... do you hear me through my blog? I am literally screaming at you that YOU ARE SO FUCKING PERFECT IN MY EYES. I didnt think that everything that I wanted in a person would be found with her. To be honest, I never thought she was even remotely attracted to me or remembered me from those brief encounters at Starbucks in the evening. I am so glad things worked out the way they did. Otherwise we wouldnt be who we are today.

I planned that trip last December all because she said, if you ever come to Mississippi we can chill and that shes got me. I of course didn't want her to spend anything on me while there. I actually wanted to hang out and see if that spark was still there. She didn't know that.. I dont think she even knew I had this high school type crush on her lol. We had a blast, every time I'm with her we have a great time. Its always and adventure. I took that fucking chance to drive out there to hang out with her and I didn't regret. I also am super excited that I wasn't murdered lol. The biggest surprise was that she came up to Atlanta when I was there to spend time with me again. THEN- is when I really knew that I was falling in love with her -crazy thing is... we werent even together yet then. Every time I think about how this relationship started I get so happy I almost cry. I am so happy... I cant contain myself sometimes. If i dont hear from her for a while I start to miss her so much -like its ridiculous

.My next subject: Work
HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT. How many of us hate our jobs? I dont hate my job, but sometimes days get very trying. People nowadays feel so entitled and shit. Like excuse me.. WHO TF MADE YOU MY BOSS? You think you can do my job better than me - GO AHEAD! Swear people are so damn dense sometimes. Like I work here, I know what Im talking about. If I dont I will find out or ask someone who has been here longer than me. I mean the attitudes that customers have in general is not what is up. Can you tell me why you think that it is okay for you to treat me like a piece of shit? I am a human too and I am reasonable if you talk to me like you have some sense. geez! SHEESH!
BUT thats our living so we have to suck it up until we find something better lol.

Anywho you guys, I have to go. This is me signing off loves.
Until next time.

Remember: Chin up and arms out. Take life one day at a time. Everything will get better I Promise !!!
LOVE
~tbabes<3

Valentines Day

So valentines day just passed. Some of us are lucky and have a significant other but some of us do not. I feel like if you are a healthy relationship, everyday should seem like valentines day. You shouldnt go a second without telling that person you miss them or you love them... hell even a "Im thinking about you" type thing would be nice. If youre single, some of yall may feel secluded - totally don't be - share it with friends and all! love is just not between lovers. Its friends and family as well. So never feel sad about any silly nonsense or holidays that society has mad these days to be specifically for a certain group of people.

life is life.
Remember chin up and arms out!!!
Take life a day at a time.

YOU ARE LOVED!!!
~tbabes<3
 

This is real.. this feeling..

These last few days have been pretty hectic for me. There was absolutely not enough time in the day.. I was minimal on sleep.. I worked my ass off... I tried to give my friends advice and help as they needed. I didn't realize that I was not only stressing my mind, but stressing the fuck out of my body.

I have been trying sooooo extremely hard to keep myself busy so I wouldn't think about how much I missed my girlfriend and how imuch it sucked being away from her. From there my days just went to shit. I literally broke down crying for 2 to 3 days thinking about my grandmother that passed away over 20 years ago... I was never given the chance to grieve over her - then I came across a picture of her holding me as a baby and I bawled my eyes out. I couldn't shake the thought of her. I kept playing "What ifs" in my head.. What if she was still here? What if I was living with her? What if she doesn't approve of how I live my life? Will my grandmother still love me the same?

Right now... where my head is at... it isnt well. Ive fallen into this deep depression and no one has really noticed. Which is great... I dont expect them too. I feel like everyone is just using me for what they can. Im moving to a new area soon and I cant wait. I need a new start. I need new faces. I cant keep hanging around the same negative people. There was so much that happened in Chapter one of this year... that I just am not sure of life anymore.  Yes I am always positive about life and its outcome. However, I am also human... I have those days... As I always do, I come to this page and just vent. I cannot control these feelings as much as I try. I sit and cry... I feel like the world would be a better place without me. I just want to slit my wrist and feel the blood rush out of my body... however... Im not yet ready to die.. not yet. What is my purpose here? But for now I must go.... see you soon.

Remember: arms out and chin up. Things will get better.
This is me signing off loves.

~tbabes <3